How to be a Calm Mama Bear (Part 2 of 5)

In my first post in this series I shared two strategies to help us stay calm mama bears:

• Cultivate compassion in the chaos.
• Communicate simply and slowly.

In this post, I will share another calm strategy:

Choose the time to converse carefully.

This calm strategy seems obvious, but I find it difficult to implement when I am feeling fatigued or overwhelmed. I need to remind myself of this principle when I am tempted to dump all my frustrations of the day onto whoever is the first person to walk through my door because I am in desperate need of some respite.

Likewise, it is hard for family members to calmly resolve any issues when:

• They are returning home after a long day at work or school.
• They are hungry right before dinner.
• They are in a hurry to get to sports practices or meetings.
• They are tired and ready for bed.

I need to recognize that if any of us are feeling those basic needs, we may not be in the right mindset to work through a conflict. After recharging, we will be in a better position to listen to one another and work through possible solutions.

The question is, am I going to choose to connect calmly with my children when I am under stress to model the response I want my children to follow?

I can prevent a stressful situation from escalating if I wait for the right time to discuss a problem when everyone feels calm. Most likely, I will get a better response from my family if I express my feelings calmly.

For example, in our home, we discuss tools to help us stay calm when we feel emotionally dysregulated. 

Sometimes when my teenage son comes home from school and feels hangry, he says, “Give me soup.” 

I reply, “Sure, help yourself.”

It’s a small thing, but he feels empowered when he can choose his favorite canned soup, pop it in the microwave, and in two minutes, satisfy his hanger. Even the act of blowing on his hot soup relaxes him and puts him in a better mood. Now my son is in a better place to talk to me about his day and his responsibilities, and to reflect and practice using more respectful words such as “please” and “thank you” when he needs something. If I had asked him immediately to do something while he felt hangry, it probably would have resulted in an argument, misunderstandings, and me misinterpreting his behavior as defiance because his mind would not have been able to focus on the issue.

Proverbs 25:11 wisely advises:

A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.

Proverbs 25:11 (ESV)

Do I want my child to view my words as valuable as golden apples or do my words come across as rotten apples because I choose to express them at the wrong time?

Although timing is important in helping my family stay calm, I find the best course of action is not to go directly to my kids or my spouse for a solution, but first to God. God can guide me to discern the best time or way to approach a problem. While conversing with God in prayer, I sometimes discover that the problem is not necessarily an issue with my kids, but actually something that God wants to change in me.

Connecting Deeply to Christ:

The right word at the right time is like precious gold set in silver.

Proverbs 25:11 (CEV)

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

James 1:5 (NIV)

Spend some time in prayer and ask God to give you wisdom to discern the best timing to discuss problems and solutions, instead of waiting until the heat of the moment to resolve a conflict.

Connecting Deeply to Community: Review your family’s schedule and discuss these questions with your family. 

• Who could possibly help and where could you find even a short amount of respite so that you will be better able to respond calmly to your family?
• What time of day is your family most available to converse calmly about difficult issues? What topics would you discuss with them?
• What kinds of preventative activities can help you and your child stay calm? How can these be integrated throughout your day before you encounter a stressful situation? 
• Where can you proactively schedule time to practice sharing your feelings, pray together, and train your children to practice responding with respect?