When People Say the Wrong Thing
One of the hardest things to do after my baby died was going to birthday parties. Each time I went, it reminded me of the milestones that my baby would never celebrate. I remember going to a friend’s party for her son about two months after my loss. I knew it was going to be difficult emotionally, but I went for the sake of my five-year-old daughter, who really wanted to play with her friends. It can be stressful to go to a large birthday party and meet parents who don’t know about your loss.
In my mind, I always struggle with how much I should divulge about my baby’s death, not knowing if it will make others feel awkward or uncomfortable. Who wants to be responsible for making everyone feel sad at a birthday party celebration? But sometimes I want to tell the whole truth, that I have three kids, not just two, and one is in heaven.
The questions that inevitably arise are, “Which kid is yours?” and “How many kids do you have and how old are they?”
I want to say my baby’s name and to acknowledge that my child existed and that his or her life has value.
During a casual, friendly introduction, I took the risk and told the other moms that my baby had just died. Everyone became really quiet.
Often most people don’t know what to say.
“I’m so sorry” is probably all that is really needed, along with a listening ear.
Instead, one mom replied, “Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.”
That comment really hurt. What if I had told her that her child wasn’t meant to be? How would she feel?
The words in Proverbs are so true:
Kind words bring life, but cruel words crush your spirit.
Proverbs 15:4 (GNT)
Months later, in our infant loss support group, one of the husbands shared the perspective of showing grace to others when someone had said an insensitive comment to him and his wife about their baby’s death. In my hurt, I had not considered this point of view about how to respond when people say the wrong thing. I realized that being connected to a community is vitally important when I process my grief because it helps reveal my own blind spots or examine areas where I need to grow.
As painful as these comments are, I confess that, before my child died, I didn’t truly understand the heartache of others because I hadn’t experienced it myself. And since each loss is different, I don’t want to assume I understand it all now either. Grief is complex; my emotions fluctuate and don’t necessarily follow a neat series of stages. I wouldn’t expect others to grieve in the same way or be in the same place as me emotionally.
I don’t think I always respond well to others’ loss, so it is important to give grace to others. It’s easy to feel angry and hurt when others don’t fully understand me, but I need to remember most people are trying to help and not intentionally wanting to hurt my feelings. They just don’t know what to say.
I can acknowledge that those words stung, but with Christ’s strength, I can now recognize how much I have been forgiven, and give others grace too. I thank God for many friends who have shown grace to me when I have said or done the wrong thing.
Instead of viewing these comments negatively, now I embrace these situations as an opportunity to educate others about infant loss. I am learning to be grateful that these comments allow me to continue the conversation about my child. I can share how I am still hurting and express my true feelings. Often, I discover that once I share my loss, others open up to sharing about their losses too. We have more in common than we think.
This reminds me of the verse:
Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.
Colossians 3:13 (NLT)
I cannot control what others say, but I can choose how I will respond. Instead, I can pray:
Lord, help me control my tongue; help me be careful about what I say.
Psalm 141:3 (NCV)
Connecting Deeply to Christ: Reflect on God’s love for you. Lay at the Lord’s feet any hurtful words that have wounded your heart. It’s okay to cry; our Lord Jesus understands. Receive Christ’s forgiveness and confess any grudges towards those who have offended you. Feel free to use the Bible verses below to guide you. Ask for God’s strength to respond in a way that informs and deepens relationships.
Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.
Colossians 3:13 (NLT)
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
Ephesians 4:29 (NIV)
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)
May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer.
Psalm 19:14 (NIV)
Lord, help me control my tongue; help me be careful about what I say.
Psalm 141:3 (NCV)
Connecting Deeply to Community: Consider joining a Christian grief support group to help you process your grief and know that you are not alone. Here is a link to support groups where you can be transparent and vulnerable in sharing your grief with others who have experienced similar losses and receive mutual support from a community that understands your pain.
Connect to Calm Mama Bear: Sometimes it is helpful to read books or listen to music written by those who have experienced similar grief and loss. Here are some resources for recommended book lists and playlists.