Unexpected Tears at Target

About six months after my baby died, I went shopping for my kids’ birthday party at Target. Grief struck me unexpectedly as I realized that Samuel would never have his first birthday party and that he wouldn’t be there to celebrate the kids’ birthdays either. Then I took a wrong turn into the baby section and thought I was going to lose it at Target. It felt so disorienting to have grief trigger a flood of emotions in the most ordinary situations. 

Another trigger came when I waited for my son to finish his balloon art class. I walked around the store full of party supplies while I waited for his class to finish. I didn’t realize that a simple object like a balloon would trigger my grief. Every aisle was filled with holiday decorations or items that celebrated different milestones. Suddenly, my baby’s life flashed before me and I realized that our family will never celebrate any of those milestones with our baby ever here on Earth. It was overwhelming to see it all at once. Certainly, I didn’t expect grief to come over me at a party goods store.

I am learning to give myself and others grace when these triggers come at moments I least expect. I am also trying to remember that next time I see someone at the store who may seem irritable or impatient, to look beyond the anger and my own annoyance, and see the fear and grief beneath the surface. Perhaps even shopping has triggered a trauma in this person’s heart, and if we look with the eyes of Jesus, we will find an opportunity to listen to their story and be instruments of God’s grace and love. So if you run into me at Target, please be gracious, and consider possible triggers.

Connecting Deeply to Christ: In Hebrews 13:5, God says, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” (NIV). As you run ordinary errands this week, remember that God is with you and sees your pain. Take time to be still and aware of God’s presence in the midst of unexpected situations that may trigger your grief. Cry out to God and know that God hears us; we are never alone:

In my distress I called to the Lord; I called out to my God.

From His temple He heard my voice; my cry came to His ears.

2 Samuel 22:7 (NIV)

Connecting Deeply to Community: Look at your calendar for upcoming holidays and special events or family gatherings this next month. Consider writing a letter, email, or text sharing with friends and loved ones how these special events may be difficult emotionally for you and ways they can help respond with understanding. If you are comfortable, communicate that you would like them to ask you about your child, check-in on how you are doing during an event, and be intentional about acknowledging and remembering your child’s life.

Connect to Calm Mama Bear: Look at some simple ways to remember your baby. Choose an object or activity that you can do with a friend or family during a holiday, special event, or family gathering.