Sharing About Siblings Who Have Died
As a teacher, I never knew how difficult a Star Student of the Week assignment would be for families. Parents are invited to come with their child each morning for one week to share briefly about their child’s life with the class. It seems like such a positive and affirming activity, yet when it came to my daughter’s turn to share, I realized I faced a dilemma with answering even the most basic kindergarten question: “How many people are in your family?”
What do I say when my child has died? Do I even want to open that conversation about death with a whole class of young children at the start of the school day? I wrestled with not wanting to deny that my deceased child’s life was significant and had meaning and purpose that should be affirmed. But how? And would there even be enough time? Would it feel awkward?
Even introducing myself to other room moms was difficult.
Everyone always asks, “How many kids do you have?”
What should I say? Do I say three, but one is in heaven?
If I do, then I feel like I’m making everyone feel awkward or sad. Sometimes I do and have received comfort, or it has given me the opportunity to share my faith. Other times, I just say two, when I don’t feel like I have the energy to go into a lengthy explanation.
During my daughter’s first day as a Star Student, we shared five objects with her kindergarten class that were important to her. She shared the family photo we took at the hospital with Samuel and I shared how her baby brother was in heaven with Jesus. It was nice to be able to share about Christ even in a public school. Another classmate shared how her family believes in Jesus too. I realized that kids are more resilient and braver than we think. I am grateful that my daughter’s teacher was understanding and allowed us to share about our family so freely that it ended up being a positive experience for us and the class.
It is important for teachers to be sensitive about a child who has gone through grief and allow them to share the validity of their sibling who has passed away, and that his or her life is just as significant as their siblings who are alive. Having honest discussions about life and death in authentic situations encourages students to converse about their own grief and loss in constructive ways. Instead of resulting in shame and isolation, perhaps it can normalize conversations surrounding death and encourage community support.
Connecting Deeply to Christ: Reflect on this Bible verse. How does Christ view our weaknesses when we aren’t sure what to say or do?
But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)
Connecting Deeply to Community: Reflect on what possible responses you can give when others ask how many children you have. Think about how these responses can foster deeper friendships and relationships. Don’t feel pressure to do this, but consider how your response can be used as an opportunity to educate others about grief and loss. If you have school-age children, write an email or schedule a time with your child’s class or teacher at the beginning of the school year to communicate about your family’s loss and help your child’s teacher be aware of the different emotions that may accompany the grief and loss of a sibling.
Connect to Calm Mama Bear: Here are some books that help children process their feelings that accompany the grief and loss of a sibling and use it as a springboard for discussion with your family.