Gifts to Give a Grieving Friend
- Gifts to Give the First Week of Loss
- Gifts for the Memorial Service
- Gifts for Special Days Throughout the Year
When I went through the unexpected loss of a full-term and healthy baby through stillbirth, I felt the shock of switching suddenly from putting my baby in a cradle to choosing a casket for his burial. It was very difficult to begin thinking clearly of what I wanted to do to remember my baby. I am so thankful for the thoughtful and caring community of friends and nurses who gave me different items to help me remember the precious moments with my baby today.
Gifts to Give the First Week of Loss
Baby Remembrance Portraits by Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep and Bella Baby
Our hospital nurse asked us if we would like photos taken with our stillborn baby right after birth. Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep trains professional photographers who volunteer specifically to give a complimentary portrait session to parents who have lost a baby, so they can have free remembrance portraits. Since the photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep was not available, the nurse asked a photographer from Bella Baby to help. The photographer from Bella Baby came immediately and took photos of us in the recovery room. I still cherish those photos of my first moments with my baby.
A few hours later, the photographer graciously waited until our close family members arrived and returned to my hospital room to take more photos of all our family. In fact, the only photo I have of my whole family with our baby was the one taken by this photographer. I am thankful for this family photo, since I won’t be able to take another photo of my whole family again.
Normally, such a portrait service would cost at least two hundred dollars, but the photographer kindly gave us all the photos on a USB drive for free.
Later, our church secretary made us a beautiful digital photo book with photos from our son’s memorial service, the hospital, and included even my pregnancy photos. My church also asked some volunteers who were gifted in photography to take photos and make the video of our baby’s memorial service as well.
Ceramic Impressions of Your Baby’s Footprints and Handprints
My small group Bible study leader asked an artist to come to my hospital room and she gently pressed my baby’s footprints and handprints into clay. Even today it comforts me to rub my fingers into the imprint. It feels like I am touching my baby’s hands and feet as I remember his tiny fingers and toes.
Additionally, the hospital gave us a coupon to give to a company that offered a complimentary ceramic impression that allowed us to take my baby’s footprint that was on his birth certificate, which was made into a stamp and pressed into a clay ornament. The impression is not as smooth as my other set, but it is memorable and helpful to know this service, since everyone does not have access to clay or plaster or an artist to come to the hospital to take imprints, and may think of doing this months later.
Memory Box and Vial of Your Baby’s Hair
The hospital gave us a memory box with a vial with a lock of our baby’s hair and a birth certificate. Forever Footprints fundraises to provide this free service to hospitals, which is really thoughtful.
Handmade Quilt or Crocheted Baby Blanket
The quilt ministry at our church gave the members of our Empty Arms Support Group a handmade quilt to remember our baby, and the hospital had a handmade crocheted hat and blanket as well to wrap our son in for photos. They are all so special. If you know how to sew or crochet, that certainly will be a special gift to make a blanket for a family going through a loss.
Meal Train
I often wondered why we couldn’t have simply ordered take out ourselves after the death of our son. Why did we have our friends drive from miles away just to pick up takeout from a restaurant that was literally less than half a mile away down the street from our house?
Because what they were bringing was more than just a meal.
It was the gift of their presence.
A shoulder to cry on. A hug. A prayer. A listening ear. Hope.
They provided some positive interaction for my kids, as well as an element of surprise. The meal became something to look forward to, especially if it was something that we wouldn’t normally prepare for ourselves or splurge on the kids. The kids loved guessing what food people were bringing. It allowed them to interact with someone who wasn’t stuck and stunned presently in the throes of grief themselves.
Our friends wanted us to know that we were loved and not alone. As a practical matter, since I was recovering from my cesarean section surgery, it helped to know my family’s meals would be taken care of since it was difficult for me physically and emotionally to prepare meals.
These Bible verses and prayers were like a lifeline to me, whether it was in the middle of the night when I would experience flashbacks of my baby’s death, or waking up and realizing again the finality that my baby was not here beside me. I read this portable and durable collection of laminated verses in the mornings, and I could keep it in my purse when I had to go for follow up visits at my OB’s office. This helped me to focus and center my day on truth, instead of being overcome by worry, fear, shame, and guilt.
Gifts for the Memorial Service
Memory Box and Wooden Hearts for Guests to Sign at Memorial Service
My friend helped me decorate a shadow box that had a convenient pre-cut slot at the top. She put the photo of my baby inside the box and glued a nice satin ribbon on the top with wooden alphabet blocks placed at the bottom to spell his name. It is fairly inexpensive, under $15, and if you can use the 40% off online coupon from Hobby Lobby, it will be even less. I purchased a bag of 100 small wooden hearts and those who came to my baby’s memorial service signed a heart and dropped it into the box. It is a beautiful reminder of my baby and the community that surrounded my baby with a lot of love.
The hospital gave us two white heart necklaces. The larger one was for me to wear and the smaller one we put on our baby when we buried him. A good friend also gave me a simple silver bracelet imprinted with the words, “I’ll hold you in my heart until I can hold you in heaven” that was very special. There are many artists on Etsy who have made many creative designs with this same phrase on bracelets and necklaces. My friend, who started Three C Jewelry, also makes beautiful beaded remembrance bracelets that you can customize with your baby’s name on it.
Make a donation to a charity in honor of your friend’s baby.
We chose in lieu of flowers to ask friends and family to donate to help a ministry that cares for orphans and vulnerable children instead.
A Painting of Your Friend’s Baby
I asked my cousin, who studied art in college, to draw a simple sketch of Samuel, so I could include that at the end of the slideshow during his memorial service. Instead, she was inspired to paint a picture of our baby running towards Jesus’ in heaven. God truly helped her, as she had not painted in many years, yet was able to complete the painting in 24 hours. I was so touched that she went out and bought new acrylic paints and a canvas just to create this painting for our family. Her husband helped by modelling “God’s hand” beckoning Samuel home.
Gifts for Special Days Throughout the Year
Framed Bible Verse for a Baby Dedication
On Mother’s Day, our pastor thoughtfully asked if our family wanted to be included in the baby dedication service. At first, I thought it might seem awkward to go up on stage in front of the congregation with all of the other parents who would be carrying their babies and young children. Yet, the more my husband and I thought about it, we decided to participate in the baby dedication because that is something we would have done anyways if our baby was still here.
Since our baby was no longer physically with us, we carried a framed portrait of our baby to display on the stage. Our pastor shared briefly our story and then instead of a regular baby dedication certificate, gave us a framed picture of this verse: “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3). Finally, our small group came onto the stage and prayed for us. It was very kind and comforting to be surrounded by such a loving community.
Candles
Every October 15 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Families are encouraged to light a candle to symbolize the light of their child who has died. I really like these candles from The Proverbs Company. The scents are very soothing and delightful. I have given them to other friends that have experienced a loss of a baby too. You can take a photo of your lit candle and share it with your friend to let her know her baby is not forgotten.
When our news of my baby’s death reached the friends from our previous church that we had attended while our family lived back east, the mothers fervently prayed for us and also sent me these wonderful “paradise” windchimes. When I hear the wind chimes ring gently in the breeze, it gently reminds me of my baby, peaceful in the arms of Jesus, and that his presence is near.
If you are the friend of a grieving mother, thank you for reading this post and taking the time to care for your friend. It will mean more to her than you will ever know.
Although giving a gift is a kind gesture, sometimes practical acts of service or even a simple act like listening is all your friend may need at the moment, and doesn’t necessarily require money. Here are some nonmonetary ways to help a grieving friend.