How to be a Calm Mama Bear (Part 1 of 5)

Calm Mama Bear.  I find this juxtaposition in many adoptive and foster moms.  Like mama bears, we care deeply about protecting children against neglect and abuse. In fact, that is one of the main reasons why we chose to adopt or foster a child. 

Some of our children come to us after experiencing deep losses, trauma, and being prenatally exposed to harmful substances that are not from any fault of their own. As a result, these children may struggle with having good self-regulation, executive functioning, sensory processing, and healthy attachment. On the other hand, we may find it difficult to stay calm and care for children from hard places because we feel ill-equipped to address these issues.

Some of us feel deep empathy for our child and have become advocates for vulnerable children because we have been there ourselves. Yet, sometimes our child’s disrespectful behaviors trigger pain in us, even if it is masked as a cry for help.

First, if this describes you, I want to say, “I’m sorry it is so hard.”  This is a lot harder than most of us expected. But there is hope. These difficulties will challenge us to grow more like Christ and reflect God’s love. In addition, learning new effective strategies and working through any brokenness or pain in our own and our child’s past in the presence of Christ and community will also improve our ability to calmly respond to the frustrating situations in our relationships.

Here are a couple things I have learned that help me stay calm that I hope will encourage you. Many of these calming strategies I learned from being part of adoption support groups that are based on biblical principles, trauma-informed parenting, and brain-based research on child development. I am far from perfect in applying these strategies, but each small step I take is progress towards strengthening my relationship with my children.

This is the first in a series of posts where I will continue to share more calm strategies.

Cultivate compassion in the chaos.

One principle I learned from Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI), developed by Dr. Karyn Purvis, is that when a situation seems chaotic, try looking at it from the perspective of my child’s history of trauma and ask, 

• “What does my child fear?” 
• “What does my child need?” 
• “Is this triggering something from my child’s past?”
• “How does my child feel?”

I find this helps me connect with more empathy when I understand the context underlying the outward behavior.

Communicate simply and slowly.

I discovered that drawing on a big piece of blank paper while I converse with my children, helps me listen better, so that they feel like their voices are heard accurately. I simply write down what my children say in the form of a comic strip and thought bubbles (nothing complicated, stick figures are fine). This makes it easier for my children to point out where I may have misunderstood what they said, when I repeat back to them what I wrote down. As a parent, if I expect my children to listen well, then I need to model good listening to my children first.

Equally important, the drawing process slows my communication down to prevent me from venting careless words, nagging, and lecturing. Moreover, when I see my words written down more permanently on paper, I find that I am more selective in choosing and responding with words that affirm and show empathy. 

A barrage of words tends to overwhelm children and using a short sentence is more effective. 

My children are visual learners, so it is more effective and understandable for them to use this drawing technique to problem solve and converse. 
Sitting at the “drawing” table together side by side creates an atmosphere that promotes collaboration. Instead of pointing fingers at my children, I am communicating that we are on the same team. Using cartoon drawings also lowers their defensive tone and lightens the mood, helping us to calm down and think of good solutions.

Connecting Deeply to Christ: We do not need to rely on our own strength alone to stay calm in difficult situations. We can trust that God will strengthen us as these verses remind us:

For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.

Philippians 4:13 (NLT)

But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.

They will soar high on wings like eagles.

They will run and not grow weary.

They will walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40:31 (NLT)

Connecting Deeply to Community: One of the most effective trauma-informed parenting training that I have received is Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) that was developed by Dr. Karyn Purvis. Consider joining an adoption, foster, and safe families support group that uses The Connection: Where Hearts Meet, a wonderful study guide that is based on TBRI. I highly recommend joining one of their online support groups to receive training and be among parents who understand and are facing some of the same issues.